IDreamElectric


REVIEW: The Legend of Zelda – Skyward Sword
January 22, 2013, 8:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Screw you, Amazon reviewers. I mean, really, I hope you are all happy tucked up in bed clutching your precious Skyward Sword whispering how much you love it, and how your Wii remote has never been moved like that before.

I thought I had taken precaution. I checked each review carefully, weighed out the pros and cons, assessed whether these people were people like me. But they weren’t. Which leaves me with three conclusions. Behind these shining reviews lurks either 1) teenage girls satisfying their need to control a tiny Justin Bieber 2) reverse-trolls 3) masochists with a penchant for being patronized to the point of humiliation.

It might seem a little late to be reviewing a Wii game. After all, a new Nintendo console has taken to the stage and eBay has assumed responsibility for the burial of the old one. But this game has taken so long to complete, not in a value-for-money way… in an only-gin-numbs-the-pain way. My relationship with Skyward Sword can be summarized like so:

1) Oh neat, a new Zelda game! It has been so long and I have waited so patiently.
2) Here you go, Amazon, here are my hard saved pennies. I am so excited about receiving happiness in 3-5 working days.
3) inserts disc
4) Wh… why is Justin Bieber on my screen wearing a green hat. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH LINK, TINY JUSTIN BIEBER??
5) It’s fine. I’ll feel a lot better when I’ve got my horse.
6) What the fuck is this.
7) Ok, but roaming around talking to charming characters will still be fun.
8) Hello, quirky-looking gentleman!
9) Really? You work here with your wife? Aw, That’s nice.
10) Yes, you told me about your wife.
11) Yes, I know, you already told me that.
12) Yes I know. Are you having a stroke?
13) Right. Trying not to panic. The gameplay must still be superb.
14) Switches wii off and shouts at nearby cat.
15) Waits two months. Repeats from step 3.

I do have a detailed list of what I do and don’t like about this game, but actually there is little point in going into the specifics, because, for therapeutic reasons, this is more rant than review. There may be a few groups of people that will enjoy this game…. Probably those that haven’t played previous Zelda titles before. And I think that’s my problem – my expectations were just too high. I can’t admit to experiencing Zelda as far back as the NES, but jumped straight in at Ocarina of Time. And from that moment onwards, my standards would never go lower. But there is so little in Skyward Sword that resembles OOT; the format is not recognizable to me. Link is less ‘hero of the people’ and more ‘frustrated teenage boy chasing the girl’. It treats the player like a child (which is insulting to children) giving patronizing information over and over again as if the player lacks any basic ability to figure things out for themselves.

And the design, whilst is not terrible, falls way short of what I had expected. This may be a fatal symptom of spending so long on the Xbox, particularly having spent a self-destructive amount of time playing Skyrim.

Wii Motion Plus was the final straw. Forking out another £30 just for the privilege of being able to… erm…

Well, that’s what I’m not sure about. I purposefully didn’t read up on what it does to see if I would notice anything different, and guess what. I faithfully followed the tutorials, determined to give it every chance, knowing full well that the SECOND it did something different to what I instructed it to, I would descend in to an angry, flailing, thrusting mess. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s packed full of cutting edge, fine tuned, space age technology, but the designers seem to have forgotten to do their customer research. For every Wii player I know flails and waves and thrusts in the vague direction of the TV, usually having a lot of fun doing so, and doesn’t really want anything more to deal with. To whoever designed Wii Motion Plus: your talents are wasted. Go and work for Microsoft.

And whilst this game has so, so many flaws, I can handle all of them but one. A game can throw bad design at me, dodgy mechanics, poor gameplay, and even a questionable storyline. But the one thing that I absolutely am unable to forgive this game for? I was bored. BORED. The biggest sin in the gaming world: The anti-game.

Why finish it then? Well, I was determined to give it a chance, right to the bitter, boring end. And if another Zelda game were to be released, well, I’d probably give that a chance too. In the meantime, I’m going to read more books.

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1 Comment so far
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You have no idea how glad I am right now for reading your review and knowing I’m not alone in this planet with the same opinion. I was so disapointed at this game and at the reviews it was getting from 2 year old kids(it’s the only explanation!) around the world…
Like you, my first LoZ game was the Ocarina of Time and I was 6/7 years old, so now I expect nothing less than that. I was kind of sad at the time when Majora’s Mask came out, because the soundtrack wasn’t as good as OOT. But Majora’s Mask was an amazing game so in my opinion it compensates for the lack of a not so good soundtrack. In the beginning I was a little disapointed with Twilight Princess too, but after some time I got used to it and was enjoying the game quite a lot. Now Skyward Sword?… I can’t even express the sadness and disapointment that game makes me feel. I never imagined a Zelda game could be so bad…

The gaming industry is going down(in quality of course. Unfortunately not in funds.) because of these retarded kids. And again, poor kids, it’s not their fault for being retarded, they’re retarded because nowadays games FORCE them to be retarded! They only care about the damn graphics!! They are completely empty, they don’t care about the soundtrack, storyline or even keeping real to the characters(at least the main characters PLEASE! Link doesn’t look like himself anymore!).

I’m seeing my childhood fading away, because by the looks of this, we’re not getting any better… the ratings are ridiculous, everyone is giving the maximum rating to this game and I seriously can’t understand why… Just because they are old LoZ fans? If they are, then instead of giving it a 10, give it a 1 so they can do better next time! Instead of getting practically f***ed in the a** by Nintendo and the retarded little boys and girls who can’t come up with the answer to 1+1!

Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I’m not a native speaker, and for the long comment.

Comment by Ruth




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